An Eternal Classic

I'd like to thank all you fine looking young Canadians for coming to your local arena. People just like you are gathering in arenas all over Canada today. Okay then, let's get started. Each of you grab a waist paunch and buckle it around yourselves. Good. Now see that red button below the buckle? It's called "The Last Thing Button". Yes, it's okay to push them, your paunches haven't been armed yet. When they are armed and you walk into a group of Muslim radicals, if you can blow up five or more of them you will spend eternity in front row seats at the first four games of the 1972 Canada Russia series! Take ten or more Muslim extremests out and you get free hotdogs and pop forever. Twenty will get you to the next four games being played in Russia. Yes, also front row seats! Now, if you blow thirty or more Muslim extremests to Hell. . . uh, sorry. . . Paradise, you get to see the goal as many times as you want. Over and over for eternity. Isn't that fantastic? But wait, there's more! Get forty or more of those Muslims and you can actually sit with Foster Hewitt for the whole eight games. He'll even allow you to say "He shoots, He scores!" into the mike. But wait, you haven't heard the best part yet. If you send fifty or more Muslim extremests to paradise, you can become, yes, actually become any Canadian player you want to be! You can be Big Pete, bulldozing your way through Russians on their blueline. You can be Tony O, yes, you'll be Mr. Zero, stopping pucks bam! bam! bam! Some of you might prefer to take the classiest bow ever taken, by the classiest guy to ever play hockey as Phil, making his Russian entrance! You can be J P Parise, but this time you'll be allowed to take the head off that Czech referee! Why not? He deserved it! Be the Roadrunner, cruising at fifty miles per hour. Be the Captain of Team Canada, with or without teeth. Ladies and gentlemen, this will be an eternity you'll never forget! Now go to the dressing rooms and get those pouches armed! ALL PRAISE BE TO ALLAH EAGLESON!

Dimmy