Up Chuck

I'm kind of sorry about this but I just don't have any choice. I have to sue the CBC! It's like this: One of the kids was fooling around with the channel changer and accidently left the TV tuned to CBC. Well, when I walked into the TV room, and before I had a chance to change the channel, "The Hour's" little fat wannabe hippy, the one with clangy metal doodads hanging from his protuberances, was on my TV acting like Cassius Clay shadow boxing! I'm not sure how much it costs to clean puke off a carpet but after receiving some legal advice, I'm now pretty sure the CBC will have to come to my home with all their cleaning paraphenalia and do the dastardly job of cleaning up the mess. They might also have to buy me a new dinner!

Dimmy

They Always Get Their White Man

Holy Weaselhead! Did you catch the speech our great chief made on CBC yesterday? It was three hours long! I know, because my woman and I drank three cases of beer while it was on and you can set your clocks by that! He sure warned you whities that there's a summer of unrest coming. Oh, and did you see the Braves on YOU-Tube showing all Braves how to derail a train? Man that was cool! Can you imagine a Whitie going on U-Tube showing people how to copy a CD of a movie or something? Woo-eee! Those glorious Mounties would have him before he got up from his keyboard. But the Glorious Mounties don't want anything to do with us. Nosiree! They'd much rather be out there giving traffic tickets to you poor Whities. "Okay Missus, not wearing a seatbelt, eh? That'll cost you $189.00."
"But officer, did you see that terrible thing the Natives did on U-Tube?"
"Okay Mam, that'll be an extra $50.00 for resisting a ticket."
"But they're going to derail a train!"
"We're just here to serve and protect Mam, we don't work for the railroads."
"What about the airlines?"
"We don't care what happens to airlines either."
"Yes, Since the Air India disaster I'm sure most Canadians know that by now!"
Holy Weaselnose, I have so much fun just thinking about you Whities and the RCMP, and the politicians, and the nine Supreme Court Judges (WINK, WINK! NUDGE! NUDGE!) I just wouldn't want to live any where else. Excuse me while I break out in song, "Oh Canada! It's all on Native land!"

Dimmy

Trauma Stricken

"Okay now Susan, You have to get it through your head, the election is over, the Conservatives have won, and you still have a promising career with the CBC. Okay so far?"
"Yes, okay so far."
"All right then. Just repeat after me. . . Prime Minister Harper. There now, that wasn't too hard was it? Okay now Susan, this time, don't just mouth the words. This time make some sounds. Okay? Okay. Just say, Prime Minister Harper. Yes, that was pretty good. Now, one more time without the grimace and the grinding of teeth, okay? Prime Minster Harper. . . Not bad, Not bad. But whispering it just wont cut it, Susan, this time say it loud and proud, Prime Minister Harper. Oh, that was very good Susan, very clear and loud. But it's Harper, not Martin! HARPER! Martin is no more. There is no more Prime Minister Martin! For God's sake Ms. Bonner, can't you understand? You'll never be able to do another newscast until you learn to say it fluidly and confidently. Now, please, Susan, please. . . One more time, Prime Minister Harper. . . Okay. okay, that wasn't too bad. Now dry your eyes and try saying it without sobbing, okay? Okay Susan, you can do it. Let's go. One more time, PRIME MINISTER HARPER!"

Dimmy

Tough Love

"I'm getting fed up with this job. It's really starting to get to me."
"Oh, don't be silly, Peter. You're still one of the best news anchors in Canada."
"Oh, sure, yeah. In a group of four I'm probably number five."
"Oh come now. That's definitely not true. Tell me, what's really bothering you?"
"Aw, it's just that asshole Harper in the PMO. . . we just can't seem to nail him."
"Peter, Peter. Everybody eventually hates politicians. It's just a matter of time. You'll get him, mark my words."
"I don't know. . . He's only been in office a little over a year and already his list of accomplishments is a mile long. . . Softwood lumber, Age of consent, Border guards, Hamas, stronger armed forces, extra police, apologizing to the Chinese. . . The firemen love him, the Jews love him, the army loves him, the police love him, and dammit! The son-of-a-bitch seems to be honest!"
"Nobody's honest, Peter, Nobody! Why don't you go visit Rex? He always seems to cheer you up. Watch a hockey game or something."
"Hockey game? Rex doesn't know a puck from a. . ."
"Peter! Anchors don't swear! Now get out of here and go see Rex."
"Okay. Thanks for the shoulder. Goodbye."
RING RING RING
"Hello?"
"Listen. Peter is heading for Rex's place. Grab him there and get him into the CBC detox centre right away. He's got a really bad case of Conservatitis!"
"Will do."
"You'd better do! And do it fast! He's becoming dangerous. I don't care how rough you have to be. . . get that CBC Enlightenment Indoctrination started immediately! Hear me?"
"We hear you, Mrs. Mansbridge. We'll get right on it."

Dimmy

Crooks Of A Feather

I was wondering. . . there are a lot of scams posing as ads on TV these days. Some of them are so obvious that even the people in power at CTV, Global and CBC have to realize that airing those ads make them, the networks, accessories to the scams! For example, that bracelet. . . the Sun Ray, or Sting Ray or whatever they call it. . . a few strands of twisted construction wire and a couple of plastic tips and your whole life will change for the better. They sell from $19.95 to as high as $79.95, depending on the gullibility of the location, I guess. Oh, and don't forget the shipping and handling. That ranges from $6.95 to $19.95, depending- blah blah blah. Then there's the old con man, the Video Professor. Send for his "free" CD, just pay $9.95 shipping and handling. Order three of his "free" CDs and you pay $9.95 three times, even though the CDs all arrive in a flat little package with about 87 cents worth of postage. Same thing with "the Owl" the little nite light thing the size of a credit card. order two for $15.00, but guess what? you pay shipping twice! Last week I bought a bunch of "Head-On" I didn't have a clue what it was for because they don't tell you on the TV ad. . . anyway, I smeared a lot of it on the front of my car. . . covered the hood and head lights and fenders. . . and sure enough! Two miles from home I had a head-on! I'm waiting for the day when some crusader launches legal action against all these crooked scams. . . but I'm still wondering. . . will the networks be charged? What do you think?

Dimmy

Yellow Whities

Holy Weaselface! Our ancestors would be so proud of us for the way we went into Caledonia and demanded justice. So we had to rough up a few whities, hell, we've been doing that forever and it's getting damn profitable too. The Ontario Premier is going to give us everything we say we own. Nobody messes with us Natives, not even the glorious RCMP! We break a few heads, tear up a few roads, knock down a few power lines, but they all know better than to mess with us, cause if they do, there'll be blockades and sympathy marches all over this wonderful land. If things get rough my people will come from all over North America, from around the whole frigging world even! YIPPEEEBOOGATUMTUM! Sorry. sometimes I just can't contain my natural exuberance. We know that population wise, whities outnumber us 173 to 1, but they're so shit-faced scared of us that there are evenings I just lay in my government supplied bed, in my government supplied house and laugh! Our great Chief Thunderass would surely yell with glee at the number we're doing on you white SOB's! Well, I'm going to get me some dinner. No, no, I wont be hunting a rabbit, I'll be dining at the Four Seasons; I'm not a savage, you know! After dinner I'll go pick up my government cheque and then mosey down to the blockade, point my fingers at a few pale-faced women and watch their faces get even paler! It's fun man! I'd run for mayor of this two-bit town if I didn't already own it.

Dimmy